i blog to keep our families who live far away in the loop. i blog to match pictures to words and have a place for michael and i to go to to remember our life together. this blog is a very small sliver of our life. i choose to write about the happy things.
i've been debating this for weeks and have found that if i don't write about what happened, i would be leaving out a huge part of our story. when we are 70 and scrolling through we would still come to this time in our lives and pause and acknowledge to one another that "that's when 'it' happened". more so, i feel the need to acknowledge these beautiful little lives, our two angels that by our standards we weren't given the time we wanted with, but who changed us both forever so, so deeply.
we were pregnant with identical twins.
we were stunned and slightly terrified but then rose to the challenge. we sold our home in the city and bought a house in the suburbs to fit our five person family and one smelly pup. the name game was played and we even settled on two boy names and one girl name (girl names are so hard for us?!). we laughed about how we won't ever go through the "empty nest" stage because all three will go off to college at practically the same time. we figured that at best, we would only need to get one car for them because at 16 months apart they would be irish triplets and most likely end up at the same high school parties anyway. we daydreamed and talked about the twins, nicknaming them hooey and looey / the twinkies. they were ours and they were loved.
multiple gestation pregnancies are always high risk. identical multiples are at an even higher risk because they are susceptible to twin to twin transfusion syndrome. this was our case.
i went from bi-weekly ultrasounds to weekly ultrasounds very quickly. we traveled to rhode island to meet with doctors and discuss surgical options, walking on eggshells the whole time. and then our biggest fear became our reality.
we lost baby B at 18 weeks and baby A at 20 weeks.
two babies lost. two heartbreaks.
when you lose something you love so fiercely and so dearly, it shatters all of you.
i miss the dreams we had for our family. i miss being pregnant. i just miss these babies.
their lives feel like a whisper. a reminder of the preciousness in life. a violent shake to wake us up and have us recognize our many blessings; how much of that we were taking for granted.
a piece of him and i was brought together. not for this world, but eventually - we will be with them for eternity.
we find peace in that.
first birthdays can be overwhelming. a vanilla cupcake can make everything better. but then baby torture must ensue again for one last photograph with a birthday hat. it was all out of love, bubba! (you did so great with the hat earlier?!)
the whole day i wanted to squeeze you a million times and kiss you a million times and shout "you're one! you are one whole year old!" in hopes of somehow having you realize the significance of this day. to have you feel all the light and joy that you've brought into our lives.
oh this thing called parenthood. it feels like we just met you, and yet; have known you forever- all at the same time. there are a lot of things about motherhood i can't describe. there are no words for how fleeting the time with you seems to be, or how quickly you can turn a painful day into pure joy. no way to describe the way in which no matter how tired i am, the second i see you smile everything washes away and i'd be ready to climb a mountain with you, if that's what you wanted. i can just gawk and aw over you and i want to profess to the world every .5 seconds how amazing and perfect you are and how i never knew anything in this entire universe could make my (our) life make perfect sense.
happy first birthday to the little boy that changed our hearts.
there is nothing more we could ever wish to call ourselves than your mama and dada.
tripp, in 17 short days you will you be one whole year old. these are a few things i'm trying desperately to hold on to before your baby days become a blur behind us.
you are fiercely independent. the days of cuddling are long gone and you adamantly refuse to sleep with us. in fact, dad went in to kiss you as you were sleeping just last night, and you pushed him away. i imagine you were saying, "not now, i'm sleeping, i'll let you know when you can kiss me again."
you are a cheerios monster and hoarder. you prefer no less that three cheerios in your left hand as you vigorously shovel as many into your mouth as you can, with the right hand. one more is never enough when it comes to cheerios.
crawling has been the best thing to happen to you. you love to crawl around with your blue and red rings. up and down the hall and up and down with a pit stop here and there to see if the toilet is open for playing.
when dad gets home you squeal with delight and start clapping your hands. it makes me a little bit jealous- in the best way possible.
we have FINALLY conquered bathtime! that baby who despises water has taken a turn and just in time for summer. we appreciate your timing ;)
you find such joy in people tilting their heads while looking at you. you remind us often that it is all about the little things.
there will never be enough days filled with the reasons we love you so.
you are the happiest piece of our hearts and we are so, so blessed to have you.