i always get quiet online when "real" life is happening. it seems to be easier to write about once it's over. afraid to put things to words before i'm ready.
tonight i plopped myself down on a therapists chair and i thought to myself, "this is it. you are going to talk about this with a stranger and you are going to begin the very hard task of accepting this has happened and healing." it wasn't without its share of sweaty palms and "this is stupid" thoughts and a racing heart. but to do it, to face it, has taken me nearly four whole months.
there are stages.
for a good while i was swept up in the whirlwind of moving. or correctly phrased, it kept me distracted.
but then October came and punched me in the gut. in the way that knocks the wind out of you and you are left staring reality right in the face and thinking to yourself, "holy shit. it's here. we were so safe in those months before. and now it's actually here."
'it' being the month they told us to expect them. and everyday that has passed i've wondered to myself, 'would today be their birthday?'. i read my book before bed and i think to myself, "you might not have been doing this tonight."
the hardest part about loss is that life goes on.
people stop asking you if you're ok, and it can feel like people just expect you to be ok. the truth is that there are still so many moments of complete and utter sadness that you don't expect and that you can't prepare yourself for. i was walking through the grocery store and unexpectedly happened to be in front of the protein drinks. "remember when you drank two of those chalky chocolate milkshakes per day because one dr. told you that it might help." that feeling of desperation sweeps over you. how badly you wanted them and how willing you were to try anything to save them. "i wish i still had to buy them because i wish they were still here." who do you call at those moments? you call your husband and he listens, as he always does. but the bottom line is that it just hurts. and it just sucks. and who is going to remove all protein drinks from your future?
there is no blame. no anger. no "why us?!"
there is just sadness.
i am just sad.
you find your 1 billion ultrasound pictures (no exaggeration, because you saw these babies AT LEAST once a week for twelve weeks. can we talk about how that changes things? ) and what to do you? you sit there and pour over the process and your heart breaks again, because - those sweet babies. those poor, sweet babies. what do you do with those pictures? ticking time bombs to be rediscovered again.
life is hard. this is hard. loss is hard.
“you expected to be sad in the fall. part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintery light. but you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen."
Monday, September 15, 2014
time really is a thief. here we are, deep into the month of september, and i'm still to trying to catch up on our summer vacations. but catch up i will! here is a recap of our trip if you'd like to see:
(not pictured, MWM and i running into bethenny frankel and countess luann at sunset beach . iiiii know!)
into the past: shelter island 2013
Monday, September 1, 2014
while out at recess:
"mrs. mylett come order from my restaurant"
"ok, i'll take a burger, fries, and frozen yogurt"
"that will be 66 dollars"
i pay, and while walking away i hear a scream, "that food is cooked!!!!"
well, for 66 dollars it better have been cooked, dude.
Friday, August 8, 2014
my brother and his girlfriend came up to help us paint our very 80s living room. there wasn't alot of picture taking involved that weekend, but there was plenty of priming and painting and trying to figure out how, exactly, you get the primer off and why, exactly, we thought it would be a good idea to take on this task ourselves?
here's to family that helps you take on overly ambitious projects.
and here's to a baby that takes his naps facing the water (diva).
Thursday, August 7, 2014
a couple of us teachers- some of which are now stay and home moms and some of which wish they were stay at home moms ;) - get together every thursday for a playdate. i get to talk to adults, tripp gets to be social, and we both always get to eat pizza. perfect day? yes. it can really be that simple.
brand new, two week old baby cole stole the show this week.
my heart starts fluttering just looking at these pictures! you are so loved, cole.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Thursday, July 31, 2014
this past weekend MWM had a college friend up visiting and we all took a spontaneous day trip to martha's vineyard on saturday. it was an overcast day, which is quite perfect when traveling with little people (hot, scorching sun might be our thing, but certainly not theirs!). we spent the day roaming the island, eating as much as we could and hoping tripp and emme would get picked up for a bugaboo sponsorship.
on sunday we went back to our beloved south boston in hopes of taking a boat ride. on and off storms prevented that, but we made the best of it. we grilled under the tent and snuck in the quickest boat ride known to man once the rain (seemed to have) stopped. if its going to rain all weekend, you might as well be stuck with your best friends under a tent somewhere.
chicks! good luck tripp ;)