this past week it seems all i do is think about is time.
WHERE DOES IT ALL GO AND WHY DOES IT GO SO FAST.
i looked forward to my maternity leave for so long and now that it is nearly over i'm left pondering - am i happy with what i did with all that time? yes, of course i am. no task could be greater or of more importance than raising a child (or on the most fundamental level - figuring it out, because that was certainly what we were doing). when i think back to june and then think of november it is incredible how far we have come as a family.
but did i accomplish everything on my never ending to-do list? life is sortof funny like that. you can make all these grandiose goals but the reality of the situation is really what determines everything. i've also found that when you have a baby, the baby is the boss and the baby will let you know what you will and will not do. duly noted, T.
so the answer is no. no, i did not get to do everything i thought i would. those darn kitchen cabinets are still that hideous wood when i thought for sure they would be white by now. with four and a half months off how did i not get that done?!? again - where does it all go!?
i'm becoming somewhat of a time snob. now that i have none of it, what i do with my very little free time is becoming an increasingly important choice (i use the word free veerrrrry loosely, because again, he's the boss). if i choose to do something alone during that free time, then i better do it with 100 percent of my heart because it means time away from my babe and my husband. which leads me to think about who i spend my time with, what i choose to do, what's worth it, and what makes me feel the most whole while i'm doing it. sometimes as i'm laying in bed, scrolling through instagram, i want to shake myself and say "get off this crazy thing and read a book. reading a book makes you happy. you love reading. now pick up the book!". but the more mindless task is always easier to choose. why is it so hard to do the things that are best for us sometimes?
with november 12th looming over my head and the considerable amount of time i will further be loosing, i'm wondering a lot about what this new life will look like. i don't see how we will ever have a clean home again, but i'm sure it will all work itself out. it always does. another funny thing about life....